I’ve Finally Contributed Something After All These Years of Selfishly Taking
I invented a drink this weekend called “The Midlife Crisis.”
It’s a Miller High Life in one hand and a Wild Turkey 101 with no ice in the other. It’s High Life vs. Low life (Drinking Wild Turkey 101 is the liquor I most associate with feeling like a low life) (Wild Turkey 81, otherwise known as “Mild Turkey” does not count).
OK so. For all you mathmaticians out there:
High Life + Low Life = MIDlife (Crisis).
I’d tell you to enjoy it with your friends, but I’m afraid this is definitely one to have by yourself. Just make sure you order it by name. Be like, “Midlife Crisis, please.” Then when the bartender asks what it is, show ‘em that attitude you’re famous for.
Treat the bandtender like they just asked you to put up a bookshelf while simultaneously giving them directions to The Interstate 5.
Be like, “Sigh! A Miller High Life and a shot of Wild Turkey. Gosh!” Then when they start to mix it, be all, “NO! NOT TOGETHER! Jesus Christ!” Then tip 21%. You’re not cheap, you’re just a dick.
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