The Full Charge

What up, bitches? How’s it goin? You don’t have to answer that. It’s rhetorical.

Well I’ve broken new ground in the comedy world. Let me explain. No? Fine. Log off before I finish. Go check out My Space for the 8th time today. Great attention span, jerk.

Last night I was eating it, doing a set at The Lucky Strike Lanes in The Hollywood and Highland SuperSonicMegaChromaticComplex. All I could hear were bowling balls colliding with pins at my back and all I could see was blank unamused faces staring through me. I was a substitute teacher at “trucker hat dude” school. I could see this class didn’t want to learn.

I went on stage hoping to get laughter. That’s usually my main objective; That is, until last night.

I started talking about how I was single and this drunken, belly-shirted Latina starting giving me these cat calls. So I called her out. I was like, “You wanna come up here make out with me for the rest of my set?”

She was like (with tons of attitude), “OK.”

I’m all, “Let’s go. Come on up.” The last thing I wanted to do was tell another joke. Let’s face it, stand up comedy is for the birds. But every once in a while it’s for the pigs.

I’m like, “Well come on then.” I could see the hesitation in her face, but after a second, she reluctantly shifted her weight to her feet. By the time she was vertical, I could see the Latin fire in her eyes. I’m like, “No need for the battery recharger, this  it’s freakin’ ON.”

She climbed on stage, and walked up to me. I went right in for the kill. I know how it works. Hesitation is a make-out killer. I didn’t give the “Hitch” 90% of the way deal. I went straight in to ground zero. I’m The Full Charge, not The Half Ass.

So we made out for like 5 seconds. She was a horrible kisser. Her tongue was out of her mouth and licking my face. But what do I care? I’m makin’ out on stage.

I think I could be in porno. I was very comfortable kissing in front of an audience. I couldn’t be in a XXX, but maybe like a porno where Silverlake jerks and drunk Latina girls make out. That’s like a whole genre in Singapore. Time to get paid.

So she stumbles off the stage and I realize, no one really cares. I thought it was gonna set the place on fire. Some “We don’t need no water, let the mothereffer burn” type nonsense. Nope. Everone’s lookin’ around the room bored as ever.

Now I realize I’ve got 2 minutes of show left. I should have just walked off stage. Ah-ah. I’m still up there. I am now out of ideas. I am now The Half Charge.

So I start asking other girls if they wanna make out. Nobody wants to. I think they all think I’m a bad kisser just because she is. Guilty by association. So I just told 2 jokes and got off the stage.

So did I give her a Full Dose of The Full Charge after the show? Hell no. I should have gotten her a cab though. She was so wasted she had to use those wheelchair ramp guardrails to walk out of there. Off the premises just 5 minutes, I see her return on her jock friend’s shoulder going the other direction.

I hope it was her friend.